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[can i write you a song?]

anytime someone asks me to say the most interesting thing about myself, i always think about the time when i was 15 and overseas in changsha, hunan, china, having beat out 600,000 other contestants to be a part of the top 100 of a reality vocal TV competition. we lived in a hotel and performed on live broadcasts and learned from mentors, the whole 5 feet.

but as much as it was a highlight point in my life, it was also the thing that completely, and utterly, broke my self-confidence as a musician. after that experience, something as normal as not performing at the level i wanted to was like getting my heart broken - except it happened on a daily basis. singing just became so hard. since i started singing when i was really young, my entire self view and self identity was my voice - until i learned my singing was not anything important or special after all. because of that, i lost myself. because don't we all want to be special?

for a while, i didn't do music at all. but it was hard not doing music - it sounds cheesy, but my life just felt so vapid without it. like nothing really had weight. i just slept all day and couldn't muster the energy to care about much. over the course of 2020, as i constantly, almost obsessively reread all the lyrics i've ever written in my notes app every day, i finally built up the courage to think to myself that maybe it shouldn't matter what the fuck other people think about my voice, or my talent, or my music, if i could let myself have this. if i could just make the pretty and sad and hopeful stories i've been writing since i was a kid real, breathe them into life.

it might sound weird to say this in what's supposed to be an artist bio but it's fine to suck at things you care about. in the end, if it's something that's worth you crying at night over, something that's worth slaving hours over that other people may find strange to spend so much time on, then it's something that's worth doing no matter whether people tell you you're good or bad at it. art that was made carefully, made gently, made with love, will always be worthwhile art.

i released, and will continue to release, some banger ass happy/cute/sad/tender air vibrations that'll tell you the things i've always wanted to tell that lost me in high school. you should listen to them and tell me what you think! ^^

♡

smiles woven out of lace

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